We Sit Down with Phobos and Deimos to Address Recent Allegations

It’s 2:55PM, and these moons are long past late for their breakfast interview when they stumble into the Popeye’s and take a seat at my table. They look an absolute mess, but that is neither here nor there. Phobos turns to me.

Stock photo, since the camerawoman had a 3pm appointment

PHOBOS: let’s get on with it then, Smash Ultimate just came out.

MOONSPLAIN: Fair point indeed. So what’s it like orbiting Mars?

DEIMOS: Can’t complain.

PHOBOS: Can I also say that?

MOONSPLAIN: Sure, I guess yeah.

DEIMOS: Typical.

PHOBOS: The **** you say?

DEIMOS: Why, so you can parrot it? What did Father always call you again?

PHOBOS: Brother, you promised.

Deimos nods, purses his lips.

MOONSPLAIN: Aight, wait do either of you want anything to eat?

We pause for chicken. Deimos barely touches his, Phobos eats more, but it extremely cautious around the bones and leaves like a centimeter radius of meat all around them.

DEIMOS: Sorry got important Mars stuff going on gotta bounce. [vanishes]

PHOBOS: I can stay.  

MOONSPLAIN (packing up): No, that’s fine do what you gotta do–

At this point, I was interrupted by the barrel of a 1911 against the back of my skull.

DEIMOS: Ok so listen here. You’re coming with us.

MOONSPLAIN: Alright, this is getting a bit Vice News but it could make for good content.


To be continued.
-Morton J. Wharton, Senior Lunar Communer, moonsplain.com

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