Don’t Believe the Hype: “Daytime Moon” is a Myth

Artist’s rendering of the impossible occurrence

There has been an absolute glut of sensationalized articles over the past month about some sort of “daytime moon” that will be observable on June 3rd. These so-called “scientists” claim that the moon will be in the sky before it even gets dark. While that would certainly be an interesting event, it is impossible. It has been known for centuries that the moon is only visible at night.

If it were out in the day, it would be the sun and buddy, I don’t know about you but we already have a sun and it absolutely sucks. Here is a point-by-point dissection of the fake news talking points that have pervaded social media as of late:

Claim: even though it has never been seen during the day in our lifetime, the moon revolves around the earth at a rate unrelated to the day/ night cycle, making its daytime presence a possibility.

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how the moon works. It comes out when it feels comfortable and it feels comfortable coming out at night.

Claim: it is not uncommon for the moon to be out during the day. 

Have you ever noticed that during the day, the “moon” is invariably the same color as the clouds that surround it? This is because what we’re actually seeing is the moon’s reflection in a conveniently-placed cirrus cloud.

Claim: I’ve seen it on cloudless days:

I guess that day wasn’t so cloudless after all, eh?

That’s about all I have to say to those and to any others who would slander the great goddess with these perverse, fan fiction-esque predictions based on fundamental astronomical misunderstandings. Now get off my site.

How to Talk to Your Kids About the Gibbous Moon

Parenting is, unfortunately a hellish gauntlet of uncomfortable conversations and tearful revelations. There’s no greater example of this than the famously  innocence-shattering “Gibbous Talk.” We firmly believe there is no good way to do this, whatsoever. However, the generous folks at Moonsplain HQ have compiled a little guidebook for our subscribers who want someone else to blame for the loss of sparkle in your little boy, girl or whatever’s eye.

Here goes.

1) Make sure your child can understand the language you are planning on speaking in.

For example if your child only knows English, don’t explain in French. It doesn’t count, it’s a cop out and it leaves them totally unprepared for the Gibbous curse. Don’t be like my father.

2) Choose a relaxed setting.

Some must-haves for any competent Gibbous Reveal Sesh are: comfortable seating, natural lighting or a few candles and a somber atmosphere. This is why Moonsplain officially recommends you break the news during the silent prayer portion of a church service. As a bonus, your progeny’s piercing wails will provide the churchgoers with some excellent opportunities to practice forgiveness.

If you are not a part of any church, simply dip into one on any given Sunday.

3) Rip the Band-Aid Off Quick

Often, parents will beat around the bush in the beginning sections of this talk. This accomplishes nothing and allows for dread to build in both the parent and child. Instead, pull no punches. Here’s how I did it with my youngest:

“Hello, son. I’m sorry to say this, but sometimes, the moon is a shape that is between half and full. It’s like a crescent moon but inverted.”

“Yes, during both waxing and waning.”

“We call it the ‘Gibbous Moon,’ which derived from the Middle English phrase ‘Gibby’s Moon, ‘ named after Gibby, the villain from the television show iCarly, whom exhibits a similar shape and malevolence.”

Show them a picture of each. Here’s the one I used:

[At this point I deployed my handkerchief to sop up my sweet boy’s spurts of tears and snot.]

4) Share Defense Tips!

You and I both know that nothing short of a certified fallout shelter offers safety from the destructive aura of the Gibbous, but studies show that hope, even false hope, is an important thing to foster in The Youth. Here’s what we can tell them so they can function from day to day:

A) Only look at the dark crescent, never the main bright part.
This is basic cause & effect and needs no explanation. 
B) Wear a hat or head scarf to prevent hair-theft.
Make sure it’s nothing too showy, such as a crown or a shako; ours is a jealous football in the sky, and adornment draws it’s ire.
C) Believe not its honeyed lies. Unfortunately, every profane claim the Gibbous moon says is true. That said, there is no reason your child needs to know exactly how they’ll die before they hit puberty.

5) Be Ready to Provide Extra Emotional Support and Guidance Over the Next Few Weeks!

Do not expect them to accept all this at once. No one ever does. We hope this helps you navigate the horrible fate of parenthood with more confidence.

As always, stay safe out there!

Watch Out, Allentown!: the Moon Hungers

On May 8th, 2018 the moon will summon a lucky 20 individuals back into its silky halls. It is already too late.

Here’s a tip from this veteran reject: don’t be too hard on yourself if the sky-sphere doesn’t choose you! If you can see through your torrents of tears at the prospect of a life forsaken, the view is absolutely primo.

We plugged these conditions into our proprietary model and here’s what to expect:

  • Tendrils up to ~200% visibility from baseline
  • Especially gray tinge
  • Craters appear smaller
  • Waves of bitter, stinging remorse in more attuned onlookers
  • Either some clouds or no clouds

We Sit Down with Phobos and Deimos to Address Recent Allegations

It’s 2:55PM, and these moons are long past late for their breakfast interview when they stumble into the Popeye’s and take a seat at my table. They look an absolute mess, but that is neither here nor there. Phobos turns to me.

Stock photo, since the camerawoman had a 3pm appointment

PHOBOS: let’s get on with it then, Smash Ultimate just came out.

MOONSPLAIN: Fair point indeed. So what’s it like orbiting Mars?

DEIMOS: Can’t complain.

PHOBOS: Can I also say that?

MOONSPLAIN: Sure, I guess yeah.

DEIMOS: Typical.

PHOBOS: The **** you say?

DEIMOS: Why, so you can parrot it? What did Father always call you again?

PHOBOS: Brother, you promised.

Deimos nods, purses his lips.

MOONSPLAIN: Aight, wait do either of you want anything to eat?

We pause for chicken. Deimos barely touches his, Phobos eats more, but it extremely cautious around the bones and leaves like a centimeter radius of meat all around them.

DEIMOS: Sorry got important Mars stuff going on gotta bounce. [vanishes]

PHOBOS: I can stay.  

MOONSPLAIN (packing up): No, that’s fine do what you gotta do–

At this point, I was interrupted by the barrel of a 1911 against the back of my skull.

DEIMOS: Ok so listen here. You’re coming with us.

MOONSPLAIN: Alright, this is getting a bit Vice News but it could make for good content.

To be continued.
-Morton J. Wharton, Senior Lunar Communer,